Where's my mommy?

Hello all, I have commandeered the blog for the night. I have an issue to discuss, the disappearance of one of my humans. I am not sure where she went, but I did see a dark car with tinted windows come and whisk her away the other day.

I expected her to come home later that night like she usually does, but it has been a couple of days now and I'm starting to worry. Don't get me wrong, I'm liking the extra room in the bed, but in the long run two humans are better than one.

I am feeling slightly neglected in this one human situation I now find myself in. I only get to watch one human get rained on in the bathroom in the morning, only get half the head rubs, and definitely get way less treats. I hope my secondary human makes a safe and speedy return from where ever she has disappeared to. Until then I will maintain my new residence on the lonely pillow on the bed.

I'm feeling a bit heavy today...

So I've been having this periodic pain in my upper back and neck. I'm not 100 % sure of the cause, but I'm guessing it might have something to do with the fact that I have a 10 pound orange menace clamping down on my scruff with jaws of steel multiple times a day. There is little I can do to avoid this major inconvenience and quite painful experience.

Tang is out of control. My humans said the problem would stop when they took him to the vet to "fix" him. I don't know what they fixed, but maybe they mixed him up with some other orange cat, because if anything, he came back more broken than when he went in. He is a mental case.

I say we send him back to the vet and get him fixed all over again. Maybe this time they will spend more time fixing his brain so he's not crazy anymore when we get him back. A girl can hope can't she?

You are getting very sleepy

Look into my eyes, watch me carefully. You are getting very sleepy. Relax your body starting at your toes, feel the stress and anxiety melting away. I will count down from 10 and when I'm done you will be completely under my contro...I mean completely relaxed.

10... wiggle those toes then let them rest...9...tense your calves and release...8...flex your quads and hamstrings feel the stress letting go...7...take a nice deep breath, inhale deeply....6...exhale the bad air...5...close your eyes...4...imagine you are in a meadow...3...picture the field mice dancing around, squeaking, scurrying...2...find one of those field mice and take it in your hand... and now we come to...1...take that mouse by the tail, give it a few quick twirls around your head and bring it to me. Next I want you to go to the pet store and get me a bottle of tuna flakes. Sprinkle those delicious morsels on that dry kibble crap you call "food", I need something to make that stuff palatable.

[internal monologue] hmmm....how can I maximize my benefits from this hypnosis? I know...

Upon waking you will remember nothing of this experience, however, from this point on, every time I jump on your lap you will scratch me behind my ears. Every time I meow, you will go to the cupboard and open me up a fresh can of tuna and if you ever see me sleeping you will hunt for Tang and dispose of him.

Now you will hear me count back up from 1, when I reach 10 you will awaken and have no recollection of this encounter. 1...feel yourself waking up...2...imagine the sun rising in the morning...3...wiggle your fingers and toes...4...5...6...feel your body getting heavier...7...8...picture yourself driving to the store to pick up tuna flakes...9...think about interesting ways to capture and dispose of Tang...10...and you are back.

Thanks for your cooperation ::meow::

A more perfect Cat-house

My fellow Kittizens, it has been brought to my attention that there is some unrest among voters. Many concerns have arisen, questioning my ability to eventually unite this household and build it up to it's full potential. There has even been talk about my pedigree.

I am the daughter of an orange and white tom cat from New Jersey and a black cat from Long Island. I have been raised by two female humans with the help of a hippie human grandmother, a yuppie human aunt, and a real estate selling grandfather. My human parents went to some of the best schools in the nation and I have seen some of the world's poorest nations on the magical glowing window my humans refer to as a "TV". I am sure I have kitty brothers, sisters, cousins, uncles and aunts of every color and fur length spread out across the tri-state area, and for as long as I live, I will never forget that in no other house on this Earth is my story even possible.

I am what this establishment needs to better the position of our species in our house. My mixed coloring has no effect on my ability to come through on my promises. Don't look at me as the calico candidate, look at me as the most qualified for the job. Thank you for your time. Fuzzbucket '08.

Goodbye Mr. Abominable, and good riddance!

I'm glad to inform everyone public enemy number 2, Mr. Abominable, has been retired to the attic by the humans for the season. Thank the kitten gods! Besides Tang (public enemy number 1), I have never met a more annoying, loud, or terrifying object in my life.

Why my humans ever brought that thing home is unknown to me. And oh, how my humans loved to torture me with him! I could be sitting on the couch minding my own business, dreaming of chipmunks, cat grass and my inevitable election as the president of this household next November, when I'd be ripped out of my reverie by the horrific sound of howling wind and Yeti screams.

To make matters worse, it sings. Yes, SINGS. Nothing says Merry Cat-mas like a caroling Yeti. Honestly, who invents these things? Humans just make no sense to me. I think I'm going to start designing my own Cat-mas collectible line. If anyone has a connection, drop me a line...I want my own Cat-mas action figures by 2009.

Easter Sunday

Due to the holiday, and the fact that the stupid humans finished all the peeps, I have decided today will be my day of rest. I hope to not bore you with trivial drivel, but decided some of you might want to see a behind the scenes look, the off the camera version of me in my spare, non blogging time. Hope you enjoy.

PEEPS!

Oh it is time for the second most glorious holiday of the year, Peep-ster. In my book, Peep-ster come only second to Cat-mas. Oh, how I love me some peeps, their sugary goodness drives me wild. Their soft interiors leave me wanting more. What a divine concoction of sugar, corn syrup, gelatin, and unpronounceable preservatives!

Tang and I just wish we could have this delicious treat every day of the year. Our fangs might rot out, and we would probably vomit up our kibble on a regular basis, but man...we'd get to get double the pleasure when those peeps came back up. It's like two peeps for the price of one, yummy!

Happy belated birthday...

Hey there Fuzz-to the B. It's me, Chetty-pie. Sorry I totally spaced on your birthday the other day. I totally meant to shoot you a cute hoops and yo-yo hallmark card, but I got a little distracted by the craziness of my current household situation. I mean, I have two little human terrors running around my place grabbing at my floofy tail.


Let me tell you, I used to enjoy my silky long fur. Now, it is totally a disadvantage. With all the extra fluff to catch, I totally get my rump kicked. You haven't felt pain until you have a grubby little human hand tearing out a chunk of tail fur. Man, it's the worst. Besides all that craziness my mom's birthday was yesterday so I had to try my hardest to make her happy.

I spent all day looking in the woods for the perfect little gift for her. I had a baby squirrel cornered for a stint, but he got away when I was distracted by the Tobster. Stupid Toby, he thinks he is so suave. I think he even said he tried to seduce you a while back. He thinks he is the best just because he can use big words. Toblerone is not my type of cat, more trouble than he's worth if you ask me.
Look at Mr. Toblerone there, so relaxed. That's because he lives through the magic door that separates him from the little human monsters with the sticky fingers. I'd like to see what he'd look like if he had to live in my section of the compound. Keep up your relaxing Mr. Tobster. Keep it up. Anyway, happy birthday Fuzzbucket! Hope to see you soon!

Lounging

Today I had a revelation, three is the new two. You heard me right, I'm going to say it again for you...THREE IS THE NEW TWO! I've spent all day lounging, reveling in my new found appreciation for this thing called aging. Getting older really isn't so bad. I even received some special treatment yesterday, I'll always take a little extra loving.

I'm feeling a bit wiser in my old age. I now realize there is no point in wallowing in my own self pity over something as silly as an arbitrary birthday. It's time for me to suck it up, get out there, and enjoy life.

They say it's my birthday....

Boy I wish I were like Tang and could chug down a beer to drown away my many sorrows stemming from this thing called aging. Who invented this getting old idea? My claws and I would like to have a brief word with them.

Let me tell you, my body is starting to fail me. I went to sleep last night able to see a mouse in a dark room 30 feet away. Today I woke up and I swear I'm lucky if I can even see 29 1/2 feet in the dark. My eyes are failing me and I'm sure this is only the beginning. Oh woe is me. I swear my bladder will start going next. I'm sure my humans will love that. Next I'll be living in my own filth only one step up from an alley cat.

Tang has no sympathy for me. He just doesn't get it, flaunting his youth in my face. Showing his spry agility every chance he gets. He drinks like a fish and doesn't gain an ounce...how I loathe him. Look at him over there, drinking a beer for St. Patrick's day, enjoying life with out a care in the world. I swear he is laughing at me behind my back.

Just you wait Tang. Life will catch up with you soon my friend, then we'll see who is laughing. When you're as old as me, we'll see if you are still interested in prancing around as Lepratang without a care in the world. Let me tell you, I doubt it.

One day left of my youth

Alas my fellow followers, today marks the end of my youth. I have already noticed a white fur or two mixed in with my black patches, I swear those hairs were never there before. Bring me to the vet now and put me down, I don't think I can bear this getting old tragedy. I swear my stomach is coming close to hitting the floor. Someone save me.

Lepratang

Top o' the Mornin' to ya! Or shall I say afternoon? Monday is my favorite holiday, where debauchery is accepted and the beer flows freely in the streets. We will ignore the fact that Monday also marks the 3 year birthday of our furry friend, Fuzzbucket. But who cares about that slight fact? I'm more excited about finding a pot of gold than some furry bag of bones getting longer in the tooth. Don't you agree? I mean, a pot of gold sure would buy a load of toys. Sorry Fuzz, but you will definitely take a back seat on Monday for me.

Plumb tuckered out

I'm sorry my loyal fans, I am too tired to blog today. My unemployed human allowed me to run around outside for close to 2 hours. The sun and fresh grass sure did a number on me. I barely had enough energy to steal my favorite dessert from my human. Vanilla ice cream....mmmmm...yummy! Don't get me wrong, I definately stole some. Who can pass up that sweet goodness? Now as I slip into my delightful sugar coma, I hope you all forgive my pure laziness and disregard for your wishes. Have a good night...zzzZZZzzzZZZzzz

Here comes the bride

Here comes the bride, all dressed in white...la-da-de-da-de-de-da-da-da-da. I am so excited to be selected as the flower girl for my human aunt's wedding. I can't wait for the big show. I plan on wearing my fur in a cute little up do and have been searching for the perfect dress. I'm thinking something that brings out the green in my eyes.

This is a great opportunity for me. I figure once I prance down the aisle I will have time to vamp, and perhaps even rally to sway some votes my way for my race for the cat house. Tang may think he is cute with his crazy eyes and disheveled fur, but what he doesn't realize is the just rolled out of bed look is out and extremely inappropriate for a formal wedding.

I can't wait for the wedding. I am practicing my petal shoveling. Who needs opposable thumbs when you have perfected your batting reflexes on Tang's body? This cat is ready to rock. I'm all ready for the church, I'm just going to steer clear of that holy water stuff. I can't stand wet paws.

New York here we come!

Hey all, Tang here. I decided to write the blog to give Bucket a bit of a break. Big news! Today Fuzzbucket and I received our invitation to our human aunt's wedding. We are so excited to go. As you can see, I have taken up yoga to get my body in shape for my tux, it is black tie you know. I call the position pictured above, "Stretching cat." Hopefully my yoga, mixed with a sensible diet (I'm cutting out all the treats) will allow me to cut back on my fat parts. Maybe they will even let me be the ring bearer. Fuzzbucket is vying for the flower girl position. I keep trying to tell her she will crash and burn as flower girl due to the lack of a simple evolutionary trait I like to call opposable thumbs. But hey, I guess the girl can dream. O.K. time to get back to work. My fat isn't going to trim itself, I'll be looking like a kitten again in no time. Until next time.

Unemployment = Happiness

Oh how I love this thing called "unemployment". One of my humans currently claims this title. I believe this glorious title of "unemployed" is only afforded to the truly lucky humans in the world. I mean, who wouldn't love to spend all day at home with the best cat in the world? This current unemployment blessing brings me back to my kitten days, long before Tang. I would spend hours lounging on the couch with my personal unemployed human. Those were the days. These days are good too, but Tang tends to muddle the experience. Notice how he hovers above me. I just can't shake the little nuisance. Oh well, I guess you just have to learn to enjoy what you have. So for now, I'll have to enjoy my unemployment stint with Tang. This human's identity has been concealed to protect them from the free loading kitties of the world.

Spring, I can feel you in the air!

::Sigh:: How I love the change of seasons. I see the chipmunks scurrying; the robins and blue jays scraping up the worms. I have the best sunny spot in the house to soak it all in. All this nature blooming in front of me, mixed with the feeling of springtime, reminds me of a song I heard my human listening to once. Let me tell you, after hearing the lyrics, I would love to shake the hand of the composer, Mr. Tom Lehrer you are number one in my book! Pigeons are rats with wings. My fellow friends, here are the inspiring lyrics that often bring a tear to my eye. Please enjoy.

Poisoning Pigeons in the Park

by Tom Lehrer

Here is a song all about springtime in general, and in particular about one of the many delightful pastimes that the coming of spring affords us all.

Spring is here, a-suh-puh-ring is here.
Life is skittles and life is beer.
I think the loveliest time of the year is the spring.
I do, don't you?  'Course you do.
But there's one thing that makes spring complete for me,
And makes every Sunday a treat for me.

All the world seems in tune
On a spring afternoon,
When we're poisoning pigeons in the park.
Every Sunday you'll see
My sweetheart and me,
As we poison the pigeons in the park.

When they see us coming, the birdies all try an' hide,
But they still go for peanuts when coated with cyanide.
The sun's shining bright,
Everything seems all right,
When we're poisoning pigeons in the park.

We've gained notoriety,
And caused much anxiety
In the Audubon Society
With our games.
They call it impiety
And lack of propriety,
And quite a variety
Of unpleasant names.
But it's not against any religion
To want to dispose of a pigeon.

So if Sunday you're free,
Why don't you come with me,
And we'll poison the pigeons in the park.
And maybe we'll do
In a squirrel or two,
While we're poisoning pigeons in the park.

We'll murder them all amid laughter and merriment,
Except for the few we take home to experiment.
My pulse will be quickenin'
With each drop of strych'nine
We feed to a pigeon.
(It just takes a smidgin!)
To poison a pigeon in the park.

Who turned off the lights?

Wind, rain, darkness, and noise. What is going on in this house?!? Hello everyone. So, apparently my humans are so incompetent they can't keep the electricity on during a simple torrential downpour with hurricane force winds. WIMPS! I heard the generator going, why couldn't I get a little juice for my TV? There was an all new Planet's Funniest Animals I wanted to catch. Oh sure, let's put that generator on to keep the water out of the basement and garage. LAME! Let's get our act together people! The next time I'm left in the dark, I expect it to last 3 hours less and require at least a portable DVD player for entertainment. Let's get on the horn humans and get an electrician here pronto to fix the problems you obviously had yesterday. Don't think of disappointing me again.

In yo' face Tang!

Tang is trying to fool the humans into thinking he is a pure and innocent soul. He thinks he can give me complimentary grooming sessions while they are around and they will forget how he treated me while they were away. Well you know what Tang? I too have been watching "Gizmo, the boxing cat," and let me tell you, I have learned a thing or two. I have been taking notes from our fellow furry friend, and I believe I have perfected my left hook. Take that Tang!

Let this be a lesson for you. This kitty does not want smelly Tang slobber on her face. Keep your spit and paws to yourself if you want to live.

Tang's new Champion

Did you hear something?

The sound I'm hearing, my friends, is the barking of chipmunks. My humans let me out yesterday to try and catch one. They are trying to win back my affections by allowing me to do whatever I want.

I even convinced one of the humans to give me the best part of the chicken, the drumstick. Oh how I love the succulent deliciousness of dark meat. Now this is some treatment I can get used to. It's amazing what a little threatening can get you. I will have to make sure I sharpen my claws in front of them at least twice a day for the next several weeks.

They're back...

Whoopty-flippin-do. The humans are back. As if I care about them. They deserted me for what seemed like forever and expected me to be all happy upon their return. You want to know what humans?!? Fuzzbucket knows how to deal with defectors like yourselves.

I pooped under your bed. That's right, right in the middle of the floor. Far enough under there so your stumpy arms can't reach it. Do you know what that is called? Do you? That's right, pure unadulterated spite. That's right, SPITE! I'll teach you to leave me again. With every whiff of wafting excrement stink, you will be reminded of who you are dealing with.

Do you have any idea what I had to put up with in your absence? Lets just say while the humans are away Tang will...I wish there was a suitable rhyme to complete that phrase, but sadly all I can say is Tang was the most abhorrent, miserable, self centered bully you could ever imagine. I don't believe my nerves will ever recover. He has me looking around every bend and checking over my shoulder, waiting for the next sneak attack.

A message to you humans. If you ever, EVER leave me alone with Tang again I swear you will have to deal with a wrath you might never be able to recover from. Don't believe me, think I'm bluffing? Go ahead, try me. I hope you will forever enjoy scaring little kids with a mere glance at your faces.