Oh how I love this thing called "unemployment". One of my humans currently claims this title. I believe this glorious title of "unemployed" is only afforded to the truly lucky humans in the world. I mean, who wouldn't love to spend all day at home with the best cat in the world? This current unemployment blessing brings me back to my kitten days, long before Tang. I would spend hours lounging on the couch with my personal unemployed human. Those were the days. These days are good too, but Tang tends to muddle the experience. Notice how he hovers above me. I just can't shake the little nuisance. Oh well, I guess you just have to learn to enjoy what you have. So for now, I'll have to enjoy my unemployment stint with Tang. This human's identity has been concealed to protect them from the free loading kitties of the world.
::Sigh:: How I love the change of seasons. I see the chipmunks scurrying; the robins and blue jays scraping up the worms. I have the best sunny spot in the house to soak it all in. All this nature blooming in front of me, mixed with the feeling of springtime, reminds me of a song I heard my human listening to once. Let me tell you, after hearing the lyrics, I would love to shake the hand of the composer, Mr. Tom Lehrer you are number one in my book! Pigeons are rats with wings. My fellow friends, here are the inspiring lyrics that often bring a tear to my eye. Please enjoy.
Here is a song all about springtime in general, and in particular about one of the many delightful pastimes that the coming of spring affords us all.
Spring is here, a-suh-puh-ring is here. Life is skittles and life is beer. I think the loveliest time of the year is the spring. I do, don't you? 'Course you do. But there's one thing that makes spring complete for me, And makes every Sunday a treat for me.
All the world seems in tune On a spring afternoon, When we're poisoning pigeons in the park. Every Sunday you'll see My sweetheart and me, As we poison the pigeons in the park.
When they see us coming, the birdies all try an' hide, But they still go for peanuts when coated with cyanide. The sun's shining bright, Everything seems all right, When we're poisoning pigeons in the park.
We've gained notoriety, And caused much anxiety In the Audubon Society With our games. They call it impiety And lack of propriety, And quite a variety Of unpleasant names. But it's not against any religion To want to dispose of a pigeon.
So if Sunday you're free, Why don't you come with me, And we'll poison the pigeons in the park. And maybe we'll do In a squirrel or two, While we're poisoning pigeons in the park.
We'll murder them all amid laughter and merriment, Except for the few we take home to experiment. My pulse will be quickenin' With each drop of strych'nine We feed to a pigeon. (It just takes a smidgin!) To poison a pigeon in the park.
Wind, rain, darkness, and noise. What is going on in this house?!? Hello everyone. So, apparently my humans are so incompetent they can't keep the electricity on during a simple torrential downpour with hurricane force winds. WIMPS! I heard the generator going, why couldn't I get a little juice for my TV? There was an all new Planet's Funniest Animals I wanted to catch. Oh sure, let's put that generator on to keep the water out of the basement and garage. LAME! Let's get our act together people! The next time I'm left in the dark, I expect it to last 3 hours less and require at least a portable DVD player for entertainment. Let's get on the horn humans and get an electrician here pronto to fix the problems you obviously had yesterday. Don't think of disappointing me again.
Tang is trying to fool the humans into thinking he is a pure and innocent soul. He thinks he can give me complimentary grooming sessions while they are around and they will forget how he treated me while they were away. Well you know what Tang? I too have been watching "Gizmo, the boxing cat," and let me tell you, I have learned a thing or two. I have been taking notes from our fellow furry friend, and I believe I have perfected my left hook. Take that Tang!
Let this be a lesson for you. This kitty does not want smelly Tang slobber on her face. Keep your spit and paws to yourself if you want to live.
The sound I'm hearing, my friends, is the barking of chipmunks. My humans let me out yesterday to try and catch one. They are trying to win back my affections by allowing me to do whatever I want.
I even convinced one of the humans to give me the best part of the chicken, the drumstick. Oh how I love the succulent deliciousness of dark meat. Now this is some treatment I can get used to. It's amazing what a little threatening can get you. I will have to make sure I sharpen my claws in front of them at least twice a day for the next several weeks.
Whoopty-flippin-do. The humans are back. As if I care about them. They deserted me for what seemed like forever and expected me to be all happy upon their return. You want to know what humans?!? Fuzzbucket knows how to deal with defectors like yourselves.
I pooped under your bed. That's right, right in the middle of the floor. Far enough under there so your stumpy arms can't reach it. Do you know what that is called? Do you? That's right, pure unadulterated spite. That's right, SPITE! I'll teach you to leave me again. With every whiff of wafting excrement stink, you will be reminded of who you are dealing with.
Do you have any idea what I had to put up with in your absence? Lets just say while the humans are away Tang will...I wish there was a suitable rhyme to complete that phrase, but sadly all I can say is Tang was the most abhorrent, miserable, self centered bully you could ever imagine. I don't believe my nerves will ever recover. He has me looking around every bend and checking over my shoulder, waiting for the next sneak attack.
A message to you humans. If you ever, EVER leave me alone with Tang again I swear you will have to deal with a wrath you might never be able to recover from. Don't believe me, think I'm bluffing? Go ahead, try me. I hope you will forever enjoy scaring little kids with a mere glance at your faces.
This human's identity has been concealed to protect them from the free loading kitties of the world.
This human's identity has been concealed to protect them from the free loading kitties of the world.
